You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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