the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
