I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
