I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
