i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
