Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
