WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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