So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
