I want to walk on stilts...naked
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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