You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
