Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
