Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
