yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
we should paint friendship bongs
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
