ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
