I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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