Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
