i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
