Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
