It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
