Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
