...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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