Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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