this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
