omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
