i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
