Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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