Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
