Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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