sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
