How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
They took my balls.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
