Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
