i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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