we're chasing vodka with high fives
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
