so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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