Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
