Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
