the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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