listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
