I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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