At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
