TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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