Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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