One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
