I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
