i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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