I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
