a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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