he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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