Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
