If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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