I'm lost and stupid without you.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
